Jamaica Gleaner / By Gordon Robinson
On March 18 (‘Married men are pirates’), I boldly asserted the sexiest organ in man’s body is his brain. I was deluged with abuse from jocks. Fellas, no disrespect, but your alternatives are temporary. Unless ‘Alzheimered’, brains last forever. Items making jocks’ lists have early ‘sell by’ dates. Only jock rash is left behind.
Many asked what I thought made women sexy. That’s complicated. But there are some fundamentals:
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So, from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.
Trust me, guys, truer words than ‘beauty is only skin deep’ don’t exist. The jocks’ response is, “That’s deep enough.” Nerds know better. A pretty wife is stress, as what should be free time is taken up by detective work trying to isolate and destroy the competition. If she knows she’s pretty, it’s worse. She expects royal treatment. While that’s barely acceptable during courting, everybody knows that when court’s over, it’s time to serve the sentence.
A pretty woman makes her husband look small,
and very often causes his downfall.
As soon as he marries her, then she starts,
to do the things that will break his heart.
A sexy woman is more attitude than body part. Again, what makes a woman sexy is all in the mind and has more to do with intelligence than anything else. Sexy women know men are weak; women are strong. They know what men want and pretend to give it to them. The sexiest women combine intelligence with maternal instinct, which she’ll practise on you until children arrive. She’ll hang on to your every word. She’ll call you ‘Minchie Poo’ in public. She’ll appear OK with whatever you do. To borrow a legal term of art, she’s always “ready, willing and able”.
But, if you make an ugly woman your wife,
you’ll be happy for the rest of your life.
An ugly woman cooks meals all the time.
She’ll always give you peace of mind.
Plus piece of other things. When children come, she’ll be the best mother. Miraculously, she’ll also find time for you. Pretty women are too busy climbing illusory ladders, whether social or corporate. Pretty women marry pretty men (with suitable jockstrap sizes); and appear on social pages making nice for cameras.
SEXY WOMEN TOO BUSY
Sexy women are too busy guaranteeing their children are well mannered; can cook, clean, wash (boys, especially); and are properly educated. This is called ‘nation building’. They’re too busy ensuring their half-witted husbands don’t leave home with mismatched socks or unbuttoned shirts; have taken a bath; and combed their hair. Sexy women need no quotas. They know they’re indispensable at home AND at work and don’t need electoral votes, political appointments or quotas to prove it.
Sexy women rarely visit hairdressers. When they do, they’re surrounded by the latest suss from chattering classes. After a fleeting attack of lifestyle envy, they realise most chatterers are unskilled ornaments trapped in loveless marriages to recidivist cheaters or abusers. Suss is their escape.
Don’t let your friends say you have no taste.
Go ahead and marry her anyway.
Her face is ugly, her eyes don’t match.
Take it from me, she’s a better catch.
If You Want to be Happy , originally recorded by Jimmy Soul, was famously covered by Harry Belafonte and Trini Lopez. Authorship is attributed to Frank Guida, Camilla Guida and Joseph Royster, but, in my opinion, it’s a crude rip-off of the 1934 calypso, Ugly Woman , by Roaring Lion.
If you wanna be happy and live a king’s life,
never make a pretty woman your wife … .
The original was released on 78rpm. Youngsters can probably find it in a millisecond on YouTube, that vicious, wicked, malicious killjoy for all us old-fogey vinyl collectors.
Buckets of crap are broadcast daily about sexiness, especially in America, where lucrative careers are made overanalysing relationships. Usually, the only differences between analysts and their output are the buckets. Ignore them. It’s a scam to boost bank balances. Remember Goodman’s Law? Don’t ask if it’s about the money. It’s ALWAYS about the money.
That song is probably to blame for my decades-old rescue of The Old Ball and Chain from permanent spinsterhood. She’s far from glamorous (looks lonely without a walker). If agitated, her voice can seek you out across a crowded room, attach itself to your lower spine, and paralyse. Yet, she’s the world’s best wife. And mother.
Peace and love.
Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to [email protected]
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